• Over the years, I have amassed a large collection of quotes, daily tidbits, pieces of wisdom, and interesting thoughts, and have added several of my own original ideas. If your child knows just 10% of these Daily Wisdomisms, well, they're gonna be juuuusst fine. Enjoy...
• Betrayal aint just a river in Egypt.
• Don't give your Social Security # to strangers.
• Confidence is the food of the wise man and the liquor of the fool.
• Jamaicans don't sell records in record stores.
• The best offense is a stronger offense.
• Wanted - Middle-aged black man with sass. Big butt. Even bigger heart. Please call if interested.
• What do women see in me? Probably my strength, steeliness and righteousness.
• Am I in pain!? Hell yeah, but I'll tell you something...I thrive in pain. I love pain. To me, pain is not pain at all. No, it is pure pleasure. And I hate pleasure, almost as much as I love pain. So, yeah, I'm in pain.
• You could live 100 years, continuously sayin sorry sorry sorry and it wld never be enough for some people.
• Some people don't understand I'm sorry. Try saying I'm sorry to a mule and he'll kick you in the head.
• I do not understand the rules of football, but I pretend to when in the company of men.
• I'm not saying God is black. God is a mixture of all the colors of the spectrum....which is white.
• When two people are right for each other, they should start a physical relationship.
• Has anyone recently offended a gypsy?
• Blackberry me.
• Light skinned people can't take advantage of racial discrimination laws the way darkies can.
• I want to live to be old enough of age discrimination laws.
• A virgin is like a balloon. One prick = all gone.
• Man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day.
• Man who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
• If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
• I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
• If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.
• Passion: A feeling you feel when you feel a feeling you've never felt before.
• There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
• Its a small world, unless you have to clean it.
• You shut up, I grow up, everytime I see yo' face I throw up.
• Anyone can walk around with a chip on their shoulder, but it takes a real man to walk around with a Bugle on their shoulder.
• Blood is thicker than water...and urine....
• Don't bite off more than you can chew. That's how you get constipated.
• How do people get stuck between a rock and a hard place? Why don't they just pick up the rock and move it?
• I hate when people beat around the bush.....that bush never did anything to you.
• I like a woman as pure as snow. R. Kelly likes a woman as pure as yellow snow that's been peed on.
• The ants in my pants were eaten by the snake in my pants.
• An apple a day keeps the dr away, unless you get stabbed.
• Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye".
• Keep your friends close, and your enemies so close its like you're almost kissing.
• You can't believe everything you see on the internet. That's how World War I got started.
• I want patience and I WANT IT NOW!
• Winning is way more important than friendship.
• If you want to get peoples attention, you need to get more aggressive or more attractive.
• Teach your kids about sex; if you don't they might end up learning about it from the Pussycat Dolls.
• If the Declaration of Independence were written today, it wouldn't be written, it would be a documentary.
• What would Al Gore do?
• People of color is just colored people in reverse.
• Things only can end once; anything before that is just progress.
• Be as generous with yourself as you are to yourself.
• Clones are people two.
• In 1992, all three major presidential candidates were lefties.
• Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
• My house burned down from a stress relieving candle.
• Don't get even, get odd.
• If it aint broke, fix it til it is.
• If there's one thing women like, its a vascular man.
• If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.
• I thrive under a lack of accountability.
• Do you know what's cooler than triceratops? EVERY OTHER DINOSAUR THAT EVER EXISTED.
• I hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me.
• Feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.
• Constitutions are made to be broken.
• Manslaughter is the slaughtering of a man.
• Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• Peligroso es mi nombre medio.
• Ketchup is for winners.
• Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can hurt forever.
• 3 types of people; those who can count and those who can't.
• Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd - All Wights Wesewved.
• I'm bilingual - I speak English and Smack.
• I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike Bar.
• Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• Don't forget to profreed.
• My clone is awesome.
• My favorite animal is steak.
• Rock is dead, long live paper and scissors.
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• I'm The Great Brownbino, there are no men my equal, much less women.
• I use my loofah for non-loofah purposes.
• I just want to live in a world where santa can get in your house, but thieves cannot.
• Anytime I can contribute to a Made In America label, I'm on board.
• In a perfect world, I'd have longer arms to shave my back.
• Childhood obesity up, pedophilia down.
• I put up my Christmas tree today.
• Today I'm pretending my life is a dvd and I'm doing the directors commentary...
• Yes technically we should ___, but we don't live in should land, now do we?
• I touched her hand, and her hand touched her boob, so by the transitive property, I touched her boob....
• I'm a sucker for cilantro.
• Its not whether you or lose, as long as the other guy loses.
• Help I've fallen and I can't shut up!
• Men who live in glass houses should change in the basement.
• Raisin bran crunch? More like AMAZING Bran crunch.
• Your mama is as graceful as a frozen turd.
• Every time you interrupt someone, your penis gets a little shorter.
• Kobe - tell me how my ass tastes.
• I forget more than you will ever know.
• Ill take 5 curly fries.
• Your art is the prettiest art of all the art.
• Play this record as frequently as possible, then as it becomes easier for you, play it once a day or as needed.
• I just got a great job with the Dharma Initiative, but I think I'll have to go overseas....
• Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
• Fact: I am oler and wiser, do not mess with me.
• I'm like a carpenter who makes stairs, always thinking one step ahead.
• Thas not just disrespectful, that's defacing my face.
• I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
• The Energizer bunny was arrested today, and charged with battery.
• Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.
• It is better to be hated for what you are, then to be loved for what you're not.
• Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you....
• I am the terror that flaps in the night...
• An error only becomes a mistake when it goes uncorrected....
• Men don't do what they like. They get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like.
• Obama or die.
• Succes is never so sweet as when accompanied by the failure of a friend.
• Dear Penthouse forum...
• I used to love Michael Jackson as a child; and now it turns out, he would love me as a child.
• You don't circumcise girls!
• Most likely to secede.
• I like to flirtate
• Have I told you lately that I love me?
• If you don't go to other peoples funerals, they won't go to yours.
• Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore, its too crowded.
• Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety, they deserve neither.
• If I move to the north pole, do I have to learn to speak Polish?
• I picked a bad day to have a bad day.
• I always take the stairs, elevators are for Democrats.
• Todays show is brought to you by the number one and the letter me.
• Ill admit it to being bad only if you discipline me.
• I'm like a coat in the closet, I'm hangin in there.
• I put the stud in bible study.
• Its good to hate our clients, let's us overcharge em and still sleep at night.
• I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devils temperature.
• Grover Cleveland is dead.
• There's a position available on my penis.
• Please join me in the singing of our national anthem.
• Have some chapstick cause you're about to kiss my ass.
• I'm not much to look at, but I've got lotsa money.
• Its not rap, its Kanye.
• O'Doyle rules.
• I wonder why I never went through an awkward phrase.
• Breakfast? I thought it was lunch. I'm going back to sleep.
• I love pectins!
• Dead owls don't give a hoot.
• Double negatives are a no-no.
• Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!
• We all have skeletons in our closet, but some of us have cemeteries.
• If you don't learn from the past, then what's the point of having one?
• Happy as hell to meet ya.
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, unless you throw a dictionary at me.
