7 Ways To Handle A Noisy Neighbor

I like my apartment. I really do.  I’m grateful for a place to lay my head at night ‘cause its damn cold outside.  I appreciate my privacy.  I like staying up as late as I want watching The Office, playing video games,  playing Graduation Instrumentals all the way turnt up and putting on my own Glow In the Dark show with my Rockband mic…you know.  But I’ve had two issues, and they’re not deal-breakers, but damn, they warrant some venting.  First, I hate these damn long ass centipede-looking bugs.  They’re dumb as hell and the bigger ones are slow, so I’ve never seen one that I didn’t kill and then curse out.  But still, no one likes bugs.

Second, and more importantly, loud noisy neighbors.  When I first moved in, the poor lady above me was in a fairly abusive relationship with what had to be a violent repeat offender, or Ike Turner’s son, or maybe my cousin Chris…..wait for it….Good. I didn’t want to meddle.  I just wanted peace and quiet to perform Can’t Tell Me Nothin’ without interruptions. NOOOOO I’m not that insensitive and I did care that she was getting her ass beat.  I cared.  I grew up watching Young and the Restless with my mom, so I’m sensitive.  But bein’ a hero to fellow tenants is not part of my lease, and I would at least expect a 10% discount on my rent for that type of intrusion, and my landlord is an ass, so….


At night, when I was trying to sleep, she would be running around the apartment, probably trying to run from him,  and usually he’d catch her (our apartments aren’t very large and there’s only so many spaces one could go). I would hear loud crashing bangs and the apartment would shake, and then I’d hear her crying and then more *bangs* and *slams* and *thuds*…Let me convey this better. Remember the 60’s Batman TV show with Adam West?  Remember at the end of every episode, Batman and Robin would get into a fight with the Joker or the Penguin, and all of their henchmen and every punch was a POW! or SLAM! or THUBAW! ??? That’s what it sounded like.  Just not a good situation for anyone involved.  To make matters worse, in the mornings, she would sing really soulfully and spirited and tormented-like, probably inspired by the beatings, and it would be so LOUD.  It’s not cool to be woken up by a battered woman’s version of Never Would Have Made It! It may sound cool, but its not. 

They moved out. Moved on. Died. Killed each other.  Who knows? But they’re not there anymore.  And there is peace - - - - - - - - and then - - - - - - - - - Not. I’ve got more loud neighbors. LOUD FAT STOMPING LOUD HUGE FATASS NOISY JUMPING ASSHOLE neighbors.  They stomp at all hours.  They move furniture.  They fall.  They jump.  They bang and slam and bam and thubaw to the nth degree.  And I can’t take it.  So this post is as much for me as it is for you.  How to deal with loud noisy neighbors.

1.  The Ike and Tina/Chris and Rihanna Neighbor – loud noises are one thing…but being in the middle of someone else’s domestic dispute is quite another.  You can complain, but no warnings, no letter, no police, no angry post-it on the door will ever trump love/hate with your significant other.  Face it, there’s nothing you can do.  The Solution: ISN’T IT CLEAR? THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO! Alternative Solution: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. Alternative Solution 2: NOT ONLY IS THERE NOT AN ALTERNATIVE SOLUTION, BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STAY AT A FRIENDS, OR TURN YOUR MUSIC OR TV UP REALLY LOUD BECAUSE IF HE KILLS HER, WHICH IS INEVITABLE, YOU WILL HAVE TO TESTIFY.  AND WHO WANTS TO TAKE OFF WORK FOR THAT?

2. The Lovers and Friends Neighbor – quite the contrary to the above neighbors, many people often find the lovers to be quite a nuisance as well.  No fighting, no violence….instead, their weakness is their passion.  Yep, I’m talking about the Loud Lovemakers.  Most apartments have bedrooms built directly above each other.  So where you sleep, they sleep (or don’t sleep).  They scream, moan, yell, bang, thump, pow, and thubaw just like #1, only they love every second of it. And the truly passionate, energetic ones seem to go on forever, and might even make some of you more jealous than annoyed. The Solution: As stated above, letters, notes, police, landlord warnings….have no effect against love/hate.  You must try a much craftier approach.  I don’t suggest trying to outdo them, literally, because you could embarrass yourself and lose your significant other.  I don’t suggest trying to fake outdo them with your funny moans and yells, chances are it will only turn them on and make them think they’ve entered a new tantric level of lovemaking and they’ll think they’re hearing the sex gods moan in delight and approval…. My suggestion – embarrass them instead.  When you see them in the parking lot carrying groceries or getting their mail, be as blunt as you possibly can.  “Hey Darryl!” “Oh, Hey John, how’ve you been?” “Hey I’m great man, can’t complain!  I don’t have to ask you how you’ve been though do I buddy haha.  I’ve been hearing just how good you are.” “Ha..ha..um…wait….what are you talking about?” “Oh you don’t have to be bashful with MEEE! I hear how you’ve been pleasuring that woman at night, like a beast of the sea writhing in the tide. (insert rapid humping motions).  As the Brits say, you’re giving it to her nice and proper, aye bloke!”  Please use the exact verbage above, specifically beast of the sea and the British nice and proper line….He may punch you.  He may punch you twice or as the Brits say, thrice.  But afterwards he’ll be too embarrassed and self-conscious to use his special move ever again. Alternative Solution 1: Leave an anonymous note saying “The Sex coming from your bedroom sounds really intense, but I noticed from the window that you could use some grooming for next time.  Here’s a coupon for GreatTrim.  Just a tip.”  They’ll never touch each other in that room again.

3.  The Klumps aka the Fatty’s – First of all, let me see that I weigh significantly more then I should, so don’t yell at me for seeming to discriminate against the obese aka the fatty’s.  I consider myself a fatty, i just walk with enough grace to not make noise, and I’m not a mouth-breather and my everyday breathing doesn’t sound like snoring.  As I was saying, some of you may live below a significantly larger person and it may seem like your ceiling can’t possibly support their girth much longer.  First, it can.  Second, some of them can’t help it.  They’re not being loud on purpose, they’re just being them.  Every little step seems thunderous to you, but to them, its just going to the bathroom. Every fart seems like an explosion, but to them, its just Taco Bell.  Every time they get in the bed it seems like a construction site, but to them, well…they’re just sleepy.  Still, I’m on your side, and you shouldn’t have to suffer loud stomping noises  all the time because your neighbor is an inconsiderate fatty who didn’t think enough of you to lose 200 pounds last year before he'/she moved in!  The Solution: This one is tricky, because if you complain to the landlord or leave an “anonymous” note, they can deduce that you are the complaining tenant, because unless they are TLC fat (i.e.. the 1,000 pound man, or the Woman Who Weighs Two Tons (i hate those shows btw)), then the neighbors above and beside won’t hear their fatness. Only the one’s below = you.  So there are two ways to handle this.  The Good Way – A nicely worded letter from you or the landlord stating that you understand that the walls are somewhat thin and sometimes you can hear noises and ask that they might try and exercise a little more caution when walking or moving around at all.  Problem is, they are fat and no amount of tiptoeing will make them weigh less.  The Bad, but BETTER Way – Carpet-bomb the whole apartment.  At 4 a.m. when almost everyone is guaranteed to be asleep, post the following note on everyone’s door, including your own.  “FATTY’S SHOULDN’T LIVE ON THE SECOND AND THIRD FLOORS! ELEPHANT’S AND FATTY’S ARE MEANT FOR THE GROUND!”  Harsh, yes. But if you want peace and quiet, you have to take drastic measures.  Against your religion, yes. But most churches only have one level. Why? Because they don’t want fatty’s stomping around the balcony interrupting service either, so its probably ok.  Just post the note, and then seem as surprised as everyone else when the reaction comes.  There will be outrage, but the true recipients of the note – the fatty’s – will take it to heart and move.

4.  Loud but tough guys, aka. football players, wrestlers, Jared before he started eating Subway, Precious – These are like #3 except they’re not fat. They’re just big. Doesn’t matter to you.  They all make noise above you.  What can you do. Not a damn thing.  They’re athletic.  They’ll fight you and win.  They can harass and intimidate you.  They can pick up your car.  They can pick you up.  Never mess with a man who can pick you up and throw you no matter what you do.  The Solution: You could anonymously ask your landlord for assistance, but if you’re afraid to mess with them, scummy weasely grimy landlords are too.

5.  Black People – Call The Police.

6. The Silent But Deadly – One of the more unique neighbors that you will have to deal with.  Let’s not be racist or prejudice, so we will suffice it to say that these neighbors usually prefer foreign cuisine.  Whether it be Limburger Cheese, Pork Chitterlings (or Chitlins as the #5’s like to call them) or Southeast Asian Durian fruit, the foods that these neighbors prepare always reek to the high heavens and the deepest hell.  And don’t think for one second that because it smells awful that it must taste awful too.  This can be very tasty cuisine, and these neighbors will sacrifice the smell for the great taste.  But that doesn’t mean you are suffering any less. Even worse, these neighbors have the added effect of not just ruining your ambience, but your clothes.  This can’t be tolerated.  The Solution: You may have a number of options.  First, talking to your landlord and asking them to mention to the tenants that more odiferous foods tend to affect those around them and they should open windows while they cook or use more odor-diffusing products.  For more ethnic foods, such a criticism can be offensive, so feel free to make the landlord be the offensive one instead of doing it yourself.  Second, you can try the passive-aggressive approach.  Although this is not an ideal approach, I’d still like to lay it out for you.  in the middle of an everyday stop and chat scenario with the offending neighbor, simply let the offending neighbors know in a round-about way that you have been bothered by somebody in the vicinity who keeps stinking up the place with their food.  Probably wont work.  The REAL Solution: I call this the Amped Up Billy Madison Flaming Pile of Dog Shit method.  The typical prank is to fill a paper bag with dog shit, light it on fire, and then leave it on the door step of the neighbor, knock and run away.  They come out and find a flaming bag and their first reaction will be to stomp on it, at which point they will discover the …um…well… shit.  The Amped Up version is simple.  Leave the following note on the door, along with the goodie bag. 

“Dear Shiteater,

I left you this gift so that you can experience just a taste of what I experience dealing with you and your smelly food.  Your McDonald’s ShitMac , Your 5 Pc. Wendy’s Ass Nuggets, your [insert ethnicity here] cat poop noodles, your [insert ethnicity here] rotten egg salad, your pizza with extra anchovies and monkey manure.  It all stinks and it spreads to everyone. And we’re tired of suffering because you’re too inconsiderate to eat less smelly foods.  If you insist on having your weekly Cow Patty Burgers with Rhino penis on the side, then go buy a house.  You share an apartment with others, so be a little more considerate.  In case this strongly-worded not didn’t get the point across, then on behalf of the entire tenancy of this complex, I leave you with this small bag of your own cuisine, so that you can see what it feels like to deal with a smell that you did not create.

Love,

Mr. or Mrs. Scented Candle Owner”

Extreme Solution: I pulled this from an upcoming post about ways to not break up with someone.  But it still applies.  If you’re bold enough to try, capture a skunk, and when the smelly neighbor is gone, pick the lock and set the skunk free in their apartment.  Before you go, throw rocks at the skunk to really piss it off and get it going….That’ll show the bastards.

7.  The Loud Music-Playing Neighbor – Truth be told, we’ve all been this neighbor at some point.  Whether it be for a party, for a small group of friends, or for your own personal Glow In The Dark show, admit that you’ve had your music too loud.  Admitting it will make you more understanding of others.  It can be a pain to fall asleep with loud music playing nearby, but this is the least extreme of the noisy neighbors. The Solution: Look within.  No one likes the grumpy old man who complains about their loud music.  (And in case you’re one of those who complains about loud music, I do hate you and I do not want you to read my posts anymore).  Try and deal with it on your own.  Sing along, or play your own music to minimize the effects.  Try earplugs.  Just don’t be the spoilsport who complains about the neighbors who are probably having more fun the you.  

Caveat – If the loud music being played is Taylor Swift, call the police.  If the loud music being played is indigenous to the #5’s, call the police.