Dec 4, 2010

Merry Christmas from The Great Brownbino

  • Sarah Palin:  I can see the North Pole from my house!
  • Santa Clause:  Sarah Palin is running for President?  I can see Armageddon from my house!

  • I figure if I just start writing, a blog post will emerge.  It’s been months and I could say that I’ve been busy, but the honest truth is that I haven’t had anything interesting to write about.  Yes I’m still full of interesting, inappropriate, unnecessary, intelligent, cocky thoughts *pause*, (do I really have to pause for saying I have cocky thoughts?  Yeah I guess so…) I just haven’t had anything worth writing about.  This reminds me….I’ve been using the phrase “nothing to write home about” a lot lately.  “Hey do you like your meal?” “Well it’s nothing to write home about…”  “Hey do you think she’s pretty?”  “Well she’s nothing to write home about…” “Hey buddy how’s the job going?”  “Well it’s nothing to write home about?”  Sometimes I really think I’m just a big suit-wearing bumpkin.
  • Speaking of bumpkins, did you see that Sarah Palin is waging war against Michelle Obama and her fight against childhood obesity?  Yes.  That’s right.  Sarah Palin supports childhood obesity.  Well, not really, but that’s what she would say if it were her scribbling this blog in crayon on her dollar general coloring book. She is, however, opposing Michelle Obama’s effort to fight childhood obesity.  A local school board in Michigan had implemented new measures to rid the school of high-sugar snacks and replace them with healthier options like fruit.    Sarah Palin showed up at one of the schools with cookies to give to the students, stating that she wasn’t going to let the government tell her what the kids can and can’t eat.  So instead of supporting healthy snacks for children, Sarah Palin chose to continue her opposition to everything the government does by giving the children sugary sweets.   She sure showed them.
  • Sarah Palin is an idiot.
  • Anyone that disagrees with that last sentence is an even bigger idiot.
  • Whew, getting mad over here…gotta lighten things up.  Let’s see…um….Brett Favre’s starting streak finally ended at 297.  Impressive but the number 297 really gave me the heebie jeebies (bumpkin phrase) though…I hate records to end on such random numbers.  I really needed it to end on a nice even number like 300. (Although technically you can count all of his playoff starts and his number is well over 300.  The only quarterback more interesting than Brett Fav-ruh these days is Michael Vick.  Although Vick cost me a fantasy football championship, I am definitely intrigued by his progress.  I think most black people are right now.
  • We saw O.J. divide this country and we all came to his rescue and defended his guilty ass for years.  Yet when he was given his freedom, he did nothing with it; he never redeemed himself, and thus never allowed us to redeem ourselves for backing him when the gloves clearly fit.  Fast forward nearly two decades, and again we see ourselves united behind our hero, while so many self-righteous white people (in our minds) get on television and preach about this dog-killer is the scourge of society and must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and thrown in jail where he belongs because he is less than human and blah blah blah.  We couldn’t say much to them, because if there is one thing we’ve all learned, its that white people sure do love animals.   So we sit back quietly and watch our fallen hero sentenced to two years in a federal prison, while murderers, drug dealers, sexual monsters, and republicans are free to walk around with no inhibitions.   But unlike O.J., Vick did his time and came back with a purpose.  He has redeemed himself, and he has redeemed everyone that stood by him and supported him through his unjust imprisonment.   Now he has become one of the top QB’s in all of football, proving all of the white naysayers wrong once again, by being a model athlete and someone for us to cheer for, someone for us to believe in, and someone to derail our young boys from focusing on their grades and instead focusing on their infinitely small chances of playing in the NFL which will actually lead to them getting neither an NFL job or a chance at college which IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED TO HAPPEN….GASP…..son of a…..wow….they did it again. Clever….they outsmarted us…..we either lose our hero, or gain one more distraction….shit. 
  • What’s wrong with me? I’m writing this as if I don’t have white readers.  Well my best friend Jason won’t care.  Even though he is a dog lover.  Sorry Jason!  (Wolves do eat people).
  • Thinking about devoting a post or a series of posts to the mythical nature of black entertainment and the Illuminati….The New World Order is real.  Shout out to Hollywood Hulk Hogan. 
  • I apologize for the racial generalizations made in this post.  It’s just easier.  I knew you’d understand.
  • I do hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.  I can definitely see and understand why this is the most miserable time of year for so many people.  Christmas is a great time, unless you’re poor, unemployed, recently lost a loved one, experiencing family problems, a charity waiting on Republicans to support, people who have birthday’s on Christmas and only get half the gifts to which they are entitled, children of Jehovah’s witnesses, or a Louisville Cardinal fan…or the Obama kids (they’ll probably make those little girls get up early and go feed the homeless for a photo-op and then give all their gifts away to some “needy” kids for another photo-op.  I support any and all Obama daughter tantrums during the Holiday season.).
  • You know who has to have a great Christmas?  Tiger Woods’ Kids.  Donald Trump’s friends.  Steve Jobs’ babysitter.   Kim Kardashian’s bra. Bill Gates’ dog.  Any white person’s dog.  Any white person’s cat.  I would gladly trade places with any one of these.
  • Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!  - From NSYNC
  • Disclaimer:  The rest of the message was written by me, only the “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” was NSYNC, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t come up with that phrase either.  Not positive, but pretttttty sure.

Oct 31, 2010

SAW I-VI Synopsis



For all of those moviegoers eagerly anticipating the release of SAW 3D, I prepared a synopsis of the entire Saw film series up to date.  FOr those of you who need a refresher, or who may have missed one of the films, feel free to use this as a guide through the entire SAW timeline.  Read through each film’s plot, or skip to the films you haven’t seen.  ENJOY!

SAW
The Series begins with two primary characters: Adam and Dr. Lawrence Gordon.  These two men wake up in a dark cold, filthy abandoned bathroom with little to no recollection of how they got there.  In the middle of the floor lies the body of an older man, with blood everywhere, and a gun in his hand.  It appears that the man has shot himself in the head. After talking and discovering clues around the bathroom, including the infamous audio tapes from the mysterious voice, they both learn that they are there because of their failure to cherish and take advantage of their lives.  Dr. Gordon is a brain surgeon, married with a daughter, yet he does not appreciate his family, and he is secretly having an affair.  Adam is a single man, and he lives his life as a voyeur, secretly taking pictures of others for money, instead of living a fulfilling life of his own.  The tape tells them both that they are breathing in poison, and if they do not escape within 3 hours, they will die.
While in the bathroom, Dr. Gordon suddenly remembers hearing about a mysterious “Jigsaw Killer” who had been kidnapping victims; Jigsaw never actually killed the victims, he simply placed them in various traps and machines and booby-trapped rooms, forcing them to choose to live by inflicting some type of pain on themselves in order to be released, or to die.  He knows about this, because he was once a suspect.  An ink pen, with his name was found at the scene of one of the previous victims, and he was brought in for questioning.  He had an airtight alibi, (he was with his mistress at the time of the incident in question), but he still was asked to listen to one of the victims.  The victim was Amanda Young, a self-rehabilitated drug addict who told the story how she remembers waking up in a room with a jaw-clamp device attached to her head.  She was told by the voice in a video that she had sixty seconds to find the key to unlock the device, before it snapped open and exploded on her head.  The key was inside the stomach of a man lying on the floor in front of her.  She took the scalpel that was placed in her hand, and began slicing through the man’s stomach until she found the key, and unlocked the device with just seconds to spare.  When asked how she felt about the person who did this to her, the now-clean Amanda Young responded “He helped me.”
We then learn of a man who is responsible for placing Dr. Gordon and Adam in this bathroom, a man named Zepp.  Zepp is an orderly at Dr. Gordon’s hospital.  We observe Zepp watching Gordon and Adam through closed-circuit monitors.  The police are quickly on his trail and soon catch up to him at the house of Dr. Gordon, where has also kidnapped Dr. Gordon’s wife and daughter.   Zepp narrowly escapes the police and then retreats back to the secluded location to finish out the “game” with Dr. Gordon and Adam.  Once in the bathroom, he is attacked, and killed by Dr. Gordon and Adam.  Believing they had killed the culprit, they continue desperate attempts to escape.  After many failed attempts and breaking his chains and cutting through the chains, Dr. Gordon realizes the poison has almost overcome his body.  He makes one final desperate attempt to get out of the room, by taking a jagged hacksaw, and sawing his own chained foot off.  Adam screams in terror as he watches Dr. Gordon saw his foot off and then crawl out of the room.  Adam then discovers a tape in Zepp’s pocket, just like the tapes he and Dr. Gordon found for themselves.  He plays the tape, and quickly realizes the truth – Zepp was an unwilling victim just like them, and Zepp was being forced to kidnap them and orchestrate this whole thing for the true mastermind.  Before Adam could speculate who was behind it all, the “dead” man in the middle of the room slowly stands up, pulls the fake makeup off of his face, and Adam quickly realizes that he is indeed the true mastermind behind the whole plan.  The man walks out of the room, and closes the door shut, leaving the shackled Adam to die.

SAW II
As SAW II begins, the police are hot on the trail of the Jigsaw Killer.  Detective Eric Matthews and Detective Kerry have a close lead that finally brings them to an abandoned warehouse where they have tracked down the Jigsaw Killer.  They arrive at the scene, along with Swat Commander Rigg, and breach the premises.  They find Jigsaw inside.  We learn that Jigsaw’s real name is John Kramer, a former patient of Dr. Gordon, who discovered that he had brain cancer.  He was the same man who laid in the middle of the bathroom with Dr. Gordon and Adam throughout SAW I.  Before they try to arrest John, he tells them to go into the room, where they will find something interesting on several monitors.  They look at the monitors in the other room, and they see that a new set of “games” has commenced with several individuals trapped inside a house.  One of those individuals is Det. Matthews’s son Eric.  Jigsaw tells Eric that if he wants to see his son alive, he simply needs to sit down and talk with Jigsaw until the 3-hour timer runs up. Jigsaw tells Det. Matthews that if follows the rules, at the end of the time, he will have his son in a safe and secure location.
Inside the house, Matthews’ son is trapped with seven other individuals all who have something in common. They were all former felons, and his father obtained all their convictions through crooked tactics.  We also see that Amanda Young, a former Jigsaw survivor is among the group.  She states that although she survived his games before and it helped her turn her life away from drugs, she had made another mistake.  She had begun cutting herself regularly, and now she was back to pay the price.  The individuals go through the house, trying to find hidden antidotes for the poison running through them.  One by one, they are killed by the traps, or by each other, until only Amanda, Det. Matthews’ son, and a crazed drug dealer named Xavier are left to fight for the final antidote.
Meanwhile, Det. Matthews has obliged Jigsaw, and he sits to talk with him.  Jigsaw reveals that he is a cancer patient, and that upon receiving his diagnosis, he had given up on living.  He tried to kill himself by driving into a tree, but he did not die.  He had an epiphany at that point, causing him to cherish every moment of his life.  He decided to devote the remainder of his life to “helping” others cherish their lives as well.  Det. Matthews grew impatient with Jigsaw’s life story, only concerned about his son.  After seeing the violence on the monitors and realizing that his son was in danger of the poison, the Jigsaw traps, and the violent Xavier, he decided to speed up the process.  Matthews violently attacks Jigsaw until he agrees to take him to the house.   When the officers aren’t looking, Jigsaw sneaks Matthews out of the warehouse via trap door.  Meanwhile, SWAT believes they have found a signal from the house where the monitors were broadcasting.  Believing they would find Matthews and Jigsaw there, they pursue.  SWAT arrives at the house, but does not find Matthews or Jigsaw, or any of the victims.  Instead they find a room with a TV and VCR and quickly realize the truth – what happened on the monitors has already taken place and was recorded and was being played back to them.  They had been tricked by Jigsaw, and had no idea where he and Matthews had gone, nor where the other victims were.  
Jigsaw takes Matthews to the actual house, although Matthews is still unaware that the events have already taken place, and he would not find his son presently there.  Matthews leaves Jigsaw in the car, and he runs in the house.  He proceeds down into the basement, calling for his son.  He discovers a room which turns out to be the bathroom from the original SAW.  Then out of nowhere, he is knocked unconscious.  He wakes up in the bathroom hours later, and he is shackled to the wall.  All of a sudden a tape plays, and he hears a woman’s voice – Amanda Young.  She tells him that she has taken on the Jigsaw legacy after he helped her through her addiction.  He realizes that she was a plant all along.  Simultaneously, back at the warehouse, the timer goes off, and the remaining officers see an old safe open up, and inside is Matthews’ son breathing through oxygen. Had Matthews followed Jigsaw’s rules, he would have had his son at the end of the three hours as promised. Because he broke the rules, he was now thrust into a game.  After hearing the tape, he sees Amanda Young appear at the door of the bathroom.  In the same fashion as Jigsaw did in the original SAW, Amanda slams the door shut, sealing him inside.  Jigsaw is then seen smiling, leaned up against the window of the car….

SAW III
We begin where SAW II ends…with Detective Matthews shacked in the bathroom.  He desperately struggles to break free of the shackles but cannot.  He then finds an old piece of stone, and then bludgeons his ankle until it breaks off, and he is able to crawl away from the shackles and out of the bathroom.
We then see the police, still on the hunt for Jigsaw and his newly discovered apprentice, Amanda Young.  They are shown at various crime scenes of former traps where the victims have not survived.  Detective Kerry is still on the case along with Detective Mark Hoffman.  They observe something different about the crime scenes.  The new crime scenes are much different from the older Jigsaw crime scenes in one peculiar way – all of the traps or “games” have become unwinnable.  For example, one man is chained to a chair and must break free of each chain in order to become free before the timer is up and a bomb is released.  But even if he had broken free, the door was welded shut and he would have never been able to escape.  Detective Kerry becomes enthralled in the case, until one night, she is captured, and placed in a similar trap.  She follows the rules in order to escape the deadly trap, but the trap does not release her, and instead she is killed.
We then see that Amanda has kidnapped her latest victim, a doctor named Lynn.  Amanda brings Lynn to an abandoned warehouse where she meets an ailing Jigsaw.  The cancer has spread and he is nearing death. Lynn is placed in a trap that allows her to move around, and she is told that she is there to keep Jigsaw alive just long enough for one more game to play out.  The trap is a metal collar with bombs attached.  The collar is synced with Jigsaw’s heart monitor, so if Jigsaw dies, the bombs will go off, killing Lynn. Lynn administers medicine, and even performs a backdoor bootleg brain operation just to keep Jigsaw alive long enough for his final game to play out.  The game he is referring to is for Jeff, a troubled father and husband whose son was killed in a car accident.  Jeff has been unable to let go of his son’s death, abandoning his wife and his other daughter because of his grief.  Jigsaw seeks to help Jeff overcome his grief by teaching to appreciate his life and his family.  For his game, Jeff must face his demons by helping those responsible for his son’s death, or letting them die.  He faces one woman who was a witness but refused to testify – he lets her die.  He faces the judge who released the driver of the car – he saves the judge, but the judge later dies in a booby trapped room.  He then faces the driver of the car, the man responsible for killing his son, and after struggling with this confrontation, Jeff decides to help the man out of his trap, and to save him, but is too slow, and the man dies.  Jeff must then meet his final test.
Meanwhile we learn from Amanda that she has been under Jigsaw’s training for some time.  After surviving her trap, Amanda was secretly approached by Jigsaw to take up his work, and begin to help others in the same way he helped her.  He taught her about the engineering of his traps, the art of kidnapping the victims, and giving them a chance to survive.  Although grateful, Amanda has not fully learned everything Jigsaw has taught her, as she does not give her victims the chance to see the error of their ways.  Jigsaw tells her that he despises killers and that what she does is not helping, it’s killing.  Amanda tells Jigsaw how she killed Eric Matthews when he tried to escape.  Jigsaw tells Amanda that he cleaned up her “mess” with Eric Matthews.
Amanda tells Jigsaw that Jeff has finished the three challenges.  Jigsaw tells her that Lynn was there to keep him alive, which she did, so now she must be set free. Amanda refuses to release Lynn from her trap, despite Jigsaw’s urging.  Jigsaw tells her that it is of grave importance to her that Lynn be released immediately. Amanda refuses.  Instead of releasing Lynn, Amanda takes a gun and shoots Lynn, and she falls into Jeff’s arms, who just wandered into the room after finishing the last three challenges.  He cradles Lynn in his arms. Amanda looks on confused, and then Jeff shoots her.  She falls to the ground.  Jigsaw, lying in the bed before her, tells her that the reason Lynn was so important is because she was Jeff’s wife, the one that Jeff had abandoned.  He tells her that she should have released Lynn because when Jeff came in, he would do whatever he had to set her free.  He tells Amanda that all along, this whole game was for her, to see if she truly learned to give her victims a chance.  Had she followed her own rules, and released Lynn as promised, perhaps she would not have been shot, but she refused to give Lynn and everyone else a chance.  Amanda dies.  Jeff then stands up and realizes his wife is about to die.  Jigsaw turns to Jeff and tells him that this is now his final test.  Jeff can either go with his anger and pain and choose to kill Jigsaw, or he can put that aside for his family, by letting Jigsaw call for help so that Lynn can get a doctor.  Jeff, unaware that if he kills Jigsaw that Lynn’s bomb collar will go off, killing her, decides to exact revenge first and he takes a power saw, and slices Jigsaw’s throat killing him.  As Jeff swings the blade, Jigsaw presses play on a tape….the tape tells Jeff about failing to learn to forgive and move on for the sake of his family.  The tape tells Jeff that he made a fatal mistake, because now he is trapped, his wife is dead, and Jigsaw was the only person who knows where his daughter is, and Jeff cannot help her.  Jeff turns and sees the bomb go off, killing Lynn.  He is left alone with a dead Lynn, dead Amanda, and a dead Jigsaw.

SAW IV
We begin with the autopsy of John Kramer aka Jigsaw.  The coroner performs the autopsy, and once he cuts open Jigsaw’s stomach, he discovers a small tape, preserved in wax.  The coroner calls Detective Hoffman to come hear the tape.  Det. Hoffman, who is still on the case, appears and listens to the tape.  The tape warns the detective that the games are not over just because he is dead, and that his work will continue.
We then see Det. Mark Hoffman and Rigg still investigating the disappearance of their fellow officers Det. Kerry and Det. Matthews.  They discover the crime scene of Det. Kerry’s death.  At that moment, FBI Agent Peter Strahm and Agent Perez show up and inform him they are now on the case.  They believe that there is a third accomplice helping Jigsaw and Amanda Young.  Rigg and Hoffman are not so sure.  Rigg is still holding out hope that Det. Matthews is still alive, as his body was never discovered.  He becomes overzealous, neglecting his wife, and his other cases for his chase of Jigsaw.  Hoffman warns him of becoming so caught up in work, and tells him not to end up like everyone else has.
Later that night, Rigg and Hoffman are both kidnapped.  Hoffman is placed in a trap alongside Eric Matthews, who has been found and rehabilitated, and kept in a hidden lair. Hoffman and Matthews are informed that they will be released as long as no one comes through the door within the next 90 minutes; otherwise Matthews will be crushed and Hoffman will be electrocuted.  Rigg is kidnapped in his own apartment.  He wakes up and is informed by a video of Jigsaw that Det. Matthews is alive, and he can help him by rescuing him in 90 minutes. Rigg goes on pursuit of Matthews, following clues along the way throughout the city, discovering numerous individuals in traps which he must either help or force them to help themselves.  Jigsaw tells Rigg at each stop that he cannot save everyone, and that he must learn to let them help themselves. 
Meanwhile, Agent Strahm and Perez continue their investigation, by questioning Jigsaw’s ex-wife Jill Tuck. Jill runs a drug rehab clinic.  She reveals to the agents that Jigsaw and she where going to have a child, but in a robbery gone bad, one of her addict patients caused her to have a miscarriage.  She told the agents that Jigsaw never recovered from the loss of his first son, and it was that loss which actually led to him beginning this work.  Jigsaw became secluded from her and everyone else, focusing night and day on his warehouse and his traps.   The Agents still suspect that Jill knows more, but are unable to prove anything.
As the 90 minute timer nears, Rigg finally reaches the warehouse where Matthews and Hoffman are being held.  At this point, Agent Perez has been killed from a booby trapped bomb that she discovered while chasing after Rigg.  Agent Strahm believes that Rigg is being set up as a new accomplice or being recruited.  Agent Strahm reaches the warehouse from a different entrance.  We then see Jeff from the previous film, wandering through the warehouse.  Rigg finally reaches the room containing Hoffman and Matthews, just seconds before the 90 minute timer.  But he failed to follow Jigsaw’s instructions, which told him to rescue them after the 90 minutes, but he was so eager that he burst in the room too soon, believing he could save them.  As soon as he burst in the room, Matthews was crushed, but not before shooting Rigg, to try and stop him from coming in. Rigg falls to the ground, and the tape is played informing him of his mistake, as he looks up, he sees Det. Hoffman pull the shackles off, and stand up out of the trap.  He realizes that Det. Hoffman has been involved all along, and that he must be the third accomplice.  Det. Hoffman leaves the wounded Rigg for dead…
At the same time, Agent Strahm is still in the warehouse, and he discovers a room where he hears the voices of Jeff and Lynn and Amanda Young and Jigsaw.  We then realize that all of these events with Agent Strahm and Det. Rigg have been occurring simultaneous to the events of Saw 3.  Strahm hears everything, including when Jigsaw is killed. He runs in the room and shoots Jeff. He looks around and realizes that he has found Jigsaw and Amanda.  Before he could get out, Hoffman sneaks up from behind and locks him inside the room.
We then realize the autopsy was a flash-forward scene.  We are back at the autopsy, as Det. Hoffman listens to the tape, and we realizes the message on the tape is not for just any “detective” it was for him.  The tape tells him that he will not go untested, because Jigsaw’s work will continue.
SAW V
In the opening scene, a man is placed in a trap and is instructed by a Jigsaw video how to escape.  He does as instructed, but the trap continues to kill him.  Right before he dies, he sees a hole in the wall and realizes that someone has been watching him as he dies.
Agent Strahm is trapped in the room where he was left at the end of Saw 4.  He escapes through a trap door, only to be kidnapped immediately and placed in an inescapable water trap.  He somehow survives the trap by performing a tracheotomy on himself by sticking an empty ink pen through his throat so that he can breathe.  He is finally rescued by the police whom he had called for backup.  Det. Hoffman is also “rescued” by the police, as he makes up a story about his trap malfunctioning and that being how he managed to escape.  Det. Hoffman emerges from the ware house with Jeff’s daughter, and he appears to be a hero.  Jeff’s daughter is in shock and doesn’t appear to know anything about what has happened.  Agent Strahm remains suspicious of Hoffman’s story at the hospital, because Strahm knows that Jigsaw doesn’t make major mistakes like that.  He begins to suspect Hoffman of being involved.
We then see Jill Tuck, John Kramer aka “Jigsaw’s” ex-wife, at an attorney’s office, for the reading of John’s will.  He leaves her a video message, apologizing for any hurt that he has caused her.  He then gives her a locked box, whose contents are of grave importance.  He tells her to keep them, because she will know what to do with them.
Strahm checks himself out of the hospital the next day and begins to pursue an investigation of Det. Hoffman, although the FBI has instructed him to take a vacation.  Hoffman realizes that Strahm is on his trail, and he begins a plan to frame Strahm.  He plants suspicion in everyone’s mind at the FBI about the way Strahm is acting, and how he is disobeying the FBI’s orders by still being “involved” in an unauthorized pursuit of the case.  The FBI believes Hoffman and begins to grow suspicious of Strahm.  Their suspicions grow stronger after Jill Tuck, Jigsaw’s ex-wife mysteriously shows up at the FBI’s office and tells them that she suspects Agent Strahm has been following her.  Meanwhile Strahm puts the pieces together about Det. Hoffman.  He discovers that years ago, Hoffman’s sister was brutally murdered, and that Hoffman staged a fake Jigsaw trap to get his own revenge on his sister’s killer.  Strahm discovers that Jigsaw captured Hoffman and recruited him to actually “help” these people, instead of using his traps to kill them.  Hoffman is blackmailed into helping, but soon becomes a willing participant in the games. 
Hoffman wants to make Strahm be the FBI’s main suspect, so he plants evidence at the scene of an ongoing Jigsaw game, and leads the FBI right to them.  The FBI puts out an alert that they officially name Agent Strahm as a suspect.  Meanwhile Strahm follows Det. Hoffman home, and tries to sneak up on him.  Strahm follows Hoffman into his basement, where he discovers another secret lair.  Hoffman then attacks Strahm, who he has known was following him all along.  Strahm throws Hoffman into a trap, a box filled with glass.  The door locks and they are both stuck in the room.  Strahm believes he has captured Hoffman, until Hoffman points at a tape on the ground.  Strahm plays the tape, which tells him that he is now the victim, who was given the chance to walk away and focus on his life instead of become so obsessed with the Jigsaw case.  The box turns out to be an escape hatch, and the room itself begins to close in on Strahm.  Hoffman escapes as Strahm is crushed to death.  Hoffman will now be able to act as Jigsaw’s accomplice, while the FBI will continue to pursuit the “missing” Agent Strahm.  Everything that Hoffman does, the FBI will assume it is Strahm. 

SAW VI
Saw VI begins with Det. Hoffman recovering the crushed body of Agent Strahm.  He takes Strahm’s broken fingers to use them to plant fingerprints at the scenes of various Jigsaw traps.  The FBI continues to investigate Strahm, but Hoffman soon learns of a twist.  Strahm’s former partner, Agent Perez (SAW III) is still alive.  She tells him she faked her death in order to see what Jigsaw and his accomplice’s next move would be.  She said that she figured they would try to frame Strahm.  She says that Strahm is not the killer, but she doesn’t know who is…yet.  Det. Hoffman says he is willing to do whatever he can to help her find the real killer.
Meanwhile, a new game has started.  The head of an insurance claims firm has been thrust into a game which forces him to make the same life or death determinations that he makes on a daily basis, with little to no regard for the human impact of those choices.  He encounters all of his co-workers and former clients and must decide which of them live or die in the traps.  We see Det. Hoffman planning this game, and he has a new partner – Jigsaw’s ex-wife Jill Tuck.  We learn that Jill ahs never been involved in the planning of Jigsaw’s games along with Det. Hoffman and Amanda Young, but she has stayed close to her ex-husband John aka “Jigsaw”.  Now that he is gone, she is carrying out his final wishes.   Det. Hoffman and Jill have a tense relationship as they put this game together.  Hoffman tells Jill that he is done and that the games will end after this final game.  Jill tells Hoffman that that wasn’t her husband’s wishes – but he tells her that her husband isn’t there anymore to call the shots, and that its time for his work to end.  Jill continues to ponder what to do, whether she should see John’s wishes out as he intended, or if she should listen to Hoffman and end the games after this final game. She then opens the locked box Jigsaw left her in his will.  The box contains a headtrap and six envelopes.  5 of the envelopes include names and pictures of the individuals in the current game.  Jill hold’s the contents of the sixth envelope close.
We also learn throughout the movie that Det. Hoffman has many secrets of his own.  We learn that the real reason why Amanda Young  would not release Lynn in Saw 3 was because Hoffman was blackmailing her. When John aka “Jigsaw” and Jill lost their baby in a miscarriage, it was because Amanda and her drug addict friend were the ones robbing Jill and accidentally crushed her stomach.   Amanda Young knew that if Jigsaw ever knew the truth about her involvement, he would turn on her and be rid of her.  Hoffman held this information over Amanda, eventually setting her up to be killed by Jeff.  Hoffman instructed Amanda to refuse to release Lynn at the end of the game, because he knew that Jeff would kill her.  Amanda complied, having no idea what would happen.  Hoffman intended to have Amanda killed, so that once Jigsaw died, he would be the only one left standing, and he could finally end the games himself.  However, Jigsaw still intended to make good on his promise to test Hoffman, to make sure that he was completely devoted to the cause, and to make sure that the games would continue.
Perez and her boss, Agent Erickson show Det.  Hoffman various leads they have, and he quickly realizes that they are about to discover his secret.  Before they can, he turns on them in the basement of the police station.  He kills Agent Erickson and then stabs Agent Perez.  Agent Perez mutters to him that it is too late, because everybody already knows it was him.  He then burns the building down, in a desperate attempt to cover up his secret.
Hoffman then returns to the scene of the final game being played, to make sure that everything goes according to plan.   As he sits in his monitoring room, observing the game being played out, Jill Tuck sneaks up on him from behind and knocks him out.  He wakes up to discover Jill has placed him in the head trap. She reveals to him that John’s work must continue, and his plan was for Hoffman to be tested like everyone else.   She leaves him in the room to escape or die.  Just as the timer runs out and the headtrap nearly kills him, he forces the clamps of the trap in between two metal bars on the door, keeping it from fully snapping and killing him.  He tears his way out of the trap before it finally snaps.  We see him fall to his knees and see that his jaw is ripped open, but he has survived.

SAW 3D: THE FINAL CHAPTER
We will finally learn the fate of Dr. Gordon, who escaped after Saw I, but never was heard from.  We also will see the battle for Jigsaw’s legacy between Det. Hoffman and his ex-wife Jill Tuck.  We will also that a group of former Jigsaw survivors have now banned together and formed a support group, but must face the demons of leader of the support group.

Oct 21, 2010

Great week to be alive!

Got my new Smurf Village app to replace my Angry Birds addiction, living in one of the best music months in years, UK basketball season is in full swing, and its almost THANKSGIVING!
What are you thankful for?
I’m thankful for the Boondocks, I’m thankful for employment, I’m thankful for the motivation BET gives me every day, I’m thankful for the health and life of my loved ones, I’m thankful for good Key Lime Pie, I’m thankful for our President, I’m thankful for Fall and the opportunity to wear sweaters again, I’m thankful for Everybody hates Chris.
Things I’m NOT thankful for:  the Tea Party, BET, BET, BET, the intrusive power smartphones have over our lives, BET, the cold weather, weight gain, having to pee when you’re at least fifteen minutes away from a bathroom, BET’s College Hill, BET’s 106th and Park, BETNews (if you want to call it news), a Michael Jackson-less world, cornrows, Steve Carrell leaving The Office, and the Miami Heat.
It really is a great time to be a music fan….new albums released by Kanye West, Cee-Lo Green, Rihanna,  Kid Cudi, Neyo (so is there a dash in his name or not? who cares…), and yes even Nicki Minaj.  I never thought I’d say anything slightly positive, but I can admit that I’ve grown from hating her music and image to at least an acceptable tolerance.  I still think her buzz is a bit undeserved, and the acclaim for her verse on Kanye’s “Monster” has been overstated (although she outperformed everyone else on the song…even good ‘ol Charlie Wilson). Still, I’ve decided to give Pink Friday a listen….
Speaking of Kanye….BRAVO MY FRIEND! BRAVO!  The Award-Show Asshole has created a musical and artistic masterpiece this time.  My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is a refreshing glimpse into the complicated mind of a true musical pioneer.  The bright unique sound, heavy drum beats, and the use of overdrive in his vocal manipulation all combine to create one of the most exciting pieces of work in years.  The imagery of his short film Runaway combined with the instrumentation of the album snippets create a much-deserved hype that will not disappoint in this latest album.  Stay tuned for a full review….
For the record, the only albums I purchased  this past decade were Ludacris’ Word of Mouf in 2002, John Legend’s Get Lifted in 2004, and Darnell Levine’s second album in 2008.  I am notoriously comfortable with my methods, but I have made the decision to return to the CD store to purchase MBDTF.  Not because he deserves the money, not because I believe the quality will be significantly better, not even to “support”  (whatever that means)….I am purchasing it because I believe it is a masterpiece, and a classic album, and I appreciate the work put into the album so much that I want to be able to say that I have an official copy of one of my favorite albums ever.  One day I will sit my son or daughter down and explain to them my love for music, and I will pass down to them my many harddrives, and then I will give them the few albums I have ever purchased.  I can only hpe that they will be able to understand and distinguish good music from true works of art.  They will physically hold every Michael Jackson album in their hand and understand that the King of Pop was so much more than an internet link to download and put on the iPod.   They will hold every Bone Thugs-N-Harmony album and I will probably lose musical credibility in their eyes.  Then they will hold albums from my other great artists like Gnarls Barkley, John Legend, Outkast, and of course Kanye West.  That may not be their music, but I can hope that they will come to know what their father once loved and appreciated more than any other sounds…
Damn that was kinda gay.  But I’m still buying the album.  
Remember how I said I’m not thankful for that feeling when you have to pee and you can’t hold it……well……..gotta go!

Oct 15, 2010

Breaking News



  • Been a few days, but I’m back….and with great “OFFICIAL” news….I’m an attorney!  I passed the Bar exam and I am officially licensed to practice law….
  • In other news, Kobe Bryant returns to NBA regular season play and he is officially licensed to practice kicking names and taking ass….errr…wait….
  • I do anticipate a great NBA season after all.   I ranted and railed against the formation of the Miami Queens but I realize that it will make a Lakers championship that much sweeter.  Sweeter than cotton candy, sweeter than old folks that greet doors at Wal-Mart, sweeter than good church tea, sweeter than the young men in Bishop Eddie Long’s youth choir….
  • Too far? Not yet….
  • Had the profound opportunity to hear former President Bill Clinton speak today at a rally for Jack Conway. This has been an interesting race to say the least.  With an eccentric (see also. Batshit crazy) candidate like Rand Paul…the democrats have seemingly reduced their campaign to “Vote For Us…I mean, what else is there to do?  Vote for THAT guy?”  Pres. Clinton went after Paul hard (pause) on his statements about getting rid of the majority of the government including the Departments of Education and Agriculture, and saving this country from the protections of the 13th-15th amendments, gays, blacks, women, veterans, disabled, poor (see also. Blacks), those who opposed Kentucky’s fight against drugs.
  • Say what you want about President Clinton, and I could say plenty (see.  2008 “Fantasy” Presidential Election), but he truly was a great President, and has been a great team player for the Democratic Party, but more importantly a great statesmen and an ambassador for America.  He is great on the stump, and he knows just how to connect with any kind of audience.  I believe he truly wants Pres. Obama to succeed, not only for his wife, but because he truly wants America to succeed.  Such genuine sincerity is often lost along the long road traveled by a lifetime politician, especially one with such a scandalous past as Clinton.  I had a funny though after a shook his hand, thinking about all of the things, good and bad, that had been done with that hand over the years….The theory of transferability says I just touched a buncha boobs today.
  • That was an unnecessary joke that a lesser man like myself couldn’t avoid….
  • So the World Equestrian Games have come and gone (I think they’ve gone.   Have they gone?  Is it over or…? Who knows?  Let’s assume they’ve gone.  Yeah…they’ve gone…that’s it….) and, well…it didn’t live up to the hype that I anticipated…In fact, it’s as if it never happened.  Hopefully some of the local businesses were positively impacted this past month, but who knows?
  • What kind of name is Rand anyway?  Why not Randall or Randy?  RAND?!?  That’s not a tough U.S. Senate-kinda name.  Want to know the best name in Politics?  Saxby Chambliss.  That’s right Georgia Senator Saxby Bleeping Chambliss….I’d love to tell him how great his name is one day.  Too bad if I ever meet him, he’ll probably reject my compliment and call me a n***** or a f** or a no-good sorry black yankee liberal son of a b*tch.  (ok really, what’s the * supposed to do?  Make it hard to read?  Confuse you?  Is it really less appropriate if you substitute a vowel for a *?)
  • Ok that one might come back and haunt me one day….

Sep 9, 2010

Thoughts...



  • Why in the glittery gay hell did the Macho Man Randy Savage use Pomp and Circumstance as his ring entrance?  Nothing says tough guy like  ”Please hold your applause until all names have been called” music.
  • On a related note, the biggest reason I love Wale is that he makes more Pro Wrestling references than any other rapper.  Except maybe Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, but I don’t know what they’re saying half the time, so who knows.
  • How come in the movies, the serial killers always have newspaper clippings of their victims and targets?  Do they really sit around every morning with a nice warm cup of joe, reading the newspaper?
  • If you were banned from using the words “tight” and “dope” to describe something that you enjoyed or appreciated, what would you do?
  • Sorry about that last one.  The only thing that irritates me more than Poison Ivy and BET is an excessive abuse of slang.  Do they make an oatmeal bath for etymological and linguistic snobbery?  Or perhaps a cream?
  • As I was writing this, I spent nearly an hour writing the most eloquent, articulate paragraph I could muster up to make my next point, but what’s the point? I’m much too intelligent to waste time trying to sound intelligent, so I’ll just get right to it.  Our people are dying, in large numbers.  We don’t yet have a way to rescue them once they fall prey to the system.  So for now, let’s focus on PREVENTING the younger ones from ever getting there in the first place.  How?  Turn them against BET.  Turn them against the BET culture.  Turn them against the BET mentality.  Turn them against BET music and imagery.  Turn them against BET.
  • Wait, Mr. Brownbino?  You can’t say that.  We have to support black.  Hooray for black-owned businesses!  Yay Debra Lee and Uncle Tom Johnson, I mean Bob Johnson!  Cheerio!  BET paved the way for Michael Jackson, Hip Hop, Usher, and the Keyshia Cole Family Reunion Nightmare Coonery on Broadway Show!  BET is made up of pioneers!  Take that back Brownbino!
  • The truth is, the pioneering mentality and the pride and power of Black People and the Black Community which was once proudly displayed by BET has been replaced with a sick twisted perversion that dares call itself “black culture”.   Just like Nas said “Before we came to this country, we were kings and queens, never porch monkeys”, I can tell you that we are not the hypersexual, overly enraged, money-driven, ignorant, senseless, amoral drains on the economy that BET has made us out to be.  Within our veins runs the blood of decades of ancestors who overcame this country’s greatest oppression. We have royalty and power; we have strength and honor; we have CHARACTER.  We still can be that.  Any influence that negates our history, and more importantly, our promise as a people, must be called out for what it is.  But it’s no longer enough to be willing to criticize BET for what it is, (and when I say BET, I mean anything that constitutes what we know as the “BET culture”).  We can be pro-active.   We can start by exposing our youth to something different, something positive, something stimulating.  We can plant the seed in their minds, that there has to be a healthy balance in their mental intake; that what seems like harmless music, images, ideas, etc., is actually embedded within them and becomes a part of their subconscious, and can….(wow I’m doing it again.  Getting kinda lengthy.  I’m sure most of you have stopped reading anyway because this isn’t the type of stuff you care to read or entertain yourself with….you get the point though.  For those who stuck with it, thank you.  For those who did not, whether you realize it or not, you are bastards.)
  • My point was, let’s try and give our young kids a chance.  I saw a pretty popular youtube vid of a 2-year-old who knew all the lyrics to “oh let’s do it”.  Is it cute to see little black kids singing and dancing and rapping? Sure.  Is it cute to ever hear a 2 year old saying “drug dealin’ music”?   The devil got a kick out of that one, I’m sure…
  • I’ve only had one person in my life ever present semi-honest intelligible view on why the “BET culture” is not as bad as it seems.  At best, I came away agreeing to disagree, but still willing to debate and hear other ideas.  If you really strongly about this, I’d love to discuss it with you as well, and hear your viewpoint.  Feel free to email me at kissmyassyoudumbbastardifyouthinkimwrongaboutbet84@gmail.com.  Look forward to the responses!
  • If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to check out FX’s original series Sons of Anarchy, Wednesdays at 10pm.  Completely underrated show.  Not hearing alot of buzz about it, and if it gets cancelled, I will blame each of you.
  • Signing off….go hug a black kid.  

Apr 20, 2010

10 Shows We Need Back On The Air...

10. MTV's Road Rules - Road Rules began as a high-octane reality competition show, revolving around 6 strangers who were thrown together in an TV, traveling around the world, experiencing various cultures and participating in various missions. This show was later combined with MTV's Real World to create the dreaded Real World/Road Rules Challenges, where we've been left with the same 20 or so personalities (Merriam-Websters defines MTV Personality as a one-dimensional, likely uneducated, pseudo-insightful individual seeking both the chance to grow, a homoerotic experience and multiple sets of Beats By Dr. Dre Headphones) season after season. Sidenote: MTV Personalities are known world-wide as being recession proof, as these individuals have never faced the desire or need to seek gainful longterm employment beyond club promoting and steroid intake in preparation for the upcoming season.
The new era of MTV stars all seem to be grooming themselves for the inevitable RW/RR run, so much so that many critics view the Real World as merely a gateway for the Challenges (see NBA 1 and Done rule). Bringing back the Road Rules would provide fans with the opportunity to view the missions and challenges, while also giving us a fresh batch of MTV personalities to know and hate (trust me...to know them is to hate them). But this show would have the added benefit of allowing the participants, and the viewers, to experience various aspects of foreign cultures as they are thrust into their unknown atmospheres. Past RW/RR challenges have taken place overseas as well, but the participants have been secluded from the locals of the country, for some reason unbeknownst (Triple Word Score) to me.
BTW, if you know anything about me, you know that The West Wing will be #1 on this list. Just sayin...don't say I didn't warn you.

9. Somebodies - This show was a nice hidden gem amongst the rubbish that surrounds BET. It wasn't particularly well-written, and the jokes that were funny were often ill-timed by inexperienced on-screen talent. But it had many funny moments, surrounding five black men struggling through college. It wouldn't be BET without its moments of Coonery and Jackassery, but in comparison to other shows, these moments were few and far between. Somebodies definitely had potential to be a three or four season production, and if nothing else, it was more productive than TIny and Toya or Frankie and Neffe or Pookie and Nene or Amos and Andy or Sambo and Watermelon Boy.

Oh I'm tempted to stop this right now, and begin my 10 Shows That Should Be Cancelled, Their Producers Fired, and Their Network Executives Prosecuted To The Fullest Extent Of The Law. And you know I'm coming for you BET....don't say I didn't warn you either.



8. Baldwin Hills - I'm imagining the look on your face. Yep there are two, count em TWO, BET shows on the list already. Well I'm just as shocked as you. But Baldwin Hills was entertaining. It combined everything you could possibly want in reality TV: Black people, adolescent teenagers, mean girls, horny guys, parents who want to be their child's "Friend", kids from the hood interacting with kids from mansions, and Reggie Theus. This show was excellent for its use of unintentional comedy, drama, and fighting. These middle and high schoolers APPEARED to live more interesting lives than I can hope for, and maybe that's why I strive to live vicariously through them. BET, you finally had a good thing with Baldwin Hills, bring it back.
Sidebar: I was close to substituting Harlem Heights in this slot, but then I decided against a show that makes the few educated black elites any more stuck-up and snobby than we already are. Thanks but no thanks on that bridge to nowhere....

7. Reno 911 - One of the ONLY comedy shows on all of TV with actors talented enough to take advantage of their improvisation skills (second only to Curb Your Enthusiasm), Reno 911 was Comedy Central's only legitimately funny shows for years (excluding South Park). Ratings dropped in the past two years, and Comedy Central was forced to make a change, but Reno will live on in my DVD Collection. Yep it's good enough to buy, not just download, and you know I don't say that very often.



6. Heroes - This show had TREMENDOUS potential after its landmark first season. It could have rivaled LOST as one of the all-time great science fiction drama series', and one of NBC's greatest shows ever. But this show trailed off into nothingness and became absolutely dreadful to watch. The show appeared to have no clue which direction it would take, and science fiction shows with such an emphasis on themes like Time and Time Travel usually need to be written with at least an outline of an end game in mind. But the creators of the show appear to have been freewheeling for the past few years, and their lack of vision has caught up with them when this show was finally cancelled this past...wait? Hold on....
ummm...
wait a second.....
okay......
........ it appears that Heroes is still on the air. Well this is embarassing. This time next year, this post will be spot on. And the show that had great potential will fail. And then I will want it back, but better than ever.
5. Flavor of Love - Shameful I know, but despite being pure coonery and jackassery, I have to admit (and so do you, you snob) that this show was ENTERTAINING and FUNNY. Now VH1 is trying to hold on to this model by giving a show to every F-List Actor, Actress, Has Been and Never Will Be. The VH1 Tree is actually quite amazing....
Surreal Life > Flavor Flav/Tall White Russian Show > Flavor of Love 1, 2, and 3 > I Love New York 1, 2, > New York Goes to Hollywood, New York Goes to Work > Real Chance of Love 1, 2 > I Love Money 1, 2 > Charm School 1, 2 > For The Love of Ray J 1, 2 > Brandy and Ray J Family Business. Also cousins to the Flavor Flav Family...What Chilli Wants, The Pepa Show, Fantasia, Rock Of Love, Rock of Love Bus, Daisy of Love, Megan Wants a Millionaire....and more to come. Yes, that makes Flavor Flav the grandfather of Reality Dating shows, and its about time that he comes back to reclaim his throne.

4. The Game - I only included this show for all 4 of my readers. Yeah its a good show, but in a "I'll watch it if its on, and if I remember to DVR it, I'll DVR it, but probably will end up deleting it to free up space for new LOST episodes before I actually watch it, but its not bad" kind of way. I could go either way on this show, but I ranked it this high because if it ends up on BET, then at least its taking air time away from Keyshia's Cole's family, which is always a plus.

3. Chappelle's Show - Tiger Woods Sex Scandal. Obama Presidential Election. Death of Michael Jackson. The commercial where the kids and the mother and standing around talking about how great it will be that the dad is gone on a trip and they list all the ways that the household will be better with him gone ("no more corny jokes, no more hogging the remote, no snoring") until the mom says "ahh i miss him already". T.I. Going to Jail. These are all things that Dave Chappelle could have taken and turned into pure comedy. How many times a day do you see or hear about something that makes you think, "Wow that would have made a great Chappelle's Show skit!" In fact, I've just been inspired to post a new top-10 list of the Top 10 Moments that Would Make Excellent Chappelle's Show Skits. Seriously, is there anyone in the world whose life has been better without Dave Chappelle?

2. Soul Train - I've been saying this for years. We don't get to see enough of our new artists performing live shows on television. The most fascinating thing about Soul Train was that you could turn on the show any week, and see one of the hottest acts of the time. Why don't we get more of that now? I would love to tune in to a show and see live performances by Rihanna, Chris Brown (not necessarily on the same show, but it would make for good tv), Beyonce, Kanye, Wale, Lil Wayne, and on and on. I'd even tune in to see Gen. Larry Platt perform pants on the ground. But it would be great to see our favorites performing live every week as an exhibition to all of the fans.
And most of you know that I am the farthest thing from being a "fan" of our generation's music and dances, but in an era where one can sit at youtube for hours and watch vids of local folk performing their version of the shizz (or whatever dance you people are doing now) outside in the street or in their wood-paneled homes, I would easily watch a show of nothing but people dancing for an hour. I say, put this show on a time slot late at night for people to watch when they are coming in from the club, or for when people are channel surfing as they fall asleep.
I'm sure BET will do their best to coon it out by playing nothing but Waka Flocka and Young Money and Gucci Mane and Louis Vuitton Mane and Coach Mane and Liz Claiborne Mane and any other Designer Mane's there are, and by hiring an over the top, annoying, loud, "wear the stereotypes of their race proudly on their sleeve" kinda host like Big Tigger or Ray J or Monique. Instead, try a funny up and comer like Lil Duval or a regular, funny personality like Terry Crews, or maybe an outside-the-box guy like Chad Eight Five (Rough translation) or a Dave Chappelle.
Or a Chris Rock. (I think I just said that because of my desire to see new episodes of Everybody Hates Chris, which was unjustifiably omitted from this list when it should be at or near the Top of my list. I apologize. I've lost credibility in my own eyes).
1. The West Wing - Quite Possibly the best show of all time. Winner of 4 straight Emmy Awards for Best Drama. (beating The Sopranos, The Practice, Law and Order, ER, CSI, 24 to name a few) this was the highly-acclaimed series about work at the White House. Every significant character on the show either won or were nominated for awards. And there has never been a show more thought-provoking, more emotional, more inspired show. This show brought an interesting perspective to the political process and the lives of the individuals responsible for the day-to-day activities.
Many critics believed that part of the show's appeal came from its glowing contrast to real life politics, which was often an ugly, depressing sight. The same can be said about our political culture today, and a brighter perspective on governing could be a useful reminder of our higher ideals for this country. The show ended with the election of Matt Santos as President, and the creation of a young new White House Staff. This show, if brought back, could go in many directions to parallel the current WH administration. None of the major networks have come up with a show with anything close to the epic nature or dramatic effect of shows like The West Wing, ER, or The Sopranos. The time has come for networks to step up and make drastic improvements to the television landscape. And if they're not creative enough to come up with outstanding new dramas, why not go back to a formula that worked with a show like The West Wing.
Not supposed to be ending the post this way....but I can't believe I put The West Wing on a list with Soul Train and Flavor of Love. It will probably take months to recover. I'm wrong. Just wrong. I'll try to do better next time.

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