Superman Dwight Howard, The Reincarnation of Lebron Lame, and the rebirth of New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina. Better late than never, here it is: NBA All Star Weekend Redux.
Friday Night - Rookie v. Sophomore Game - I'll admit it. I didn't get to watch this game, and if i had the opportunity to, I probably would have changed the channel. To be honest, I think the Rookie vs. Sophomore game is the worst way to kick off this exciting weekend. It just sounds boring. I'm an NBA enthusiast, but i just can't get excited about the opening night. But I did catch the highlights of the night, and I saw that rookie sensation from the Cleveland Cavaliers Daniel Gibson shot an amazing 11 tres in the game. NORMALLY, this would mean that he was the star of the night. For the first time ever. Because every other night of his career he is overshadowed by the NBA's Anointed One, the Colossus of Clout, the King of Crash, the Titan of Terror, The Sultan of Swat........... the Great LAMEbino, LEBRON LAME!
So on this night, Gibson has a spectacular game, and is supposed to get the glory for it. As soon as the game is over, the ESPN announcer finds Gibson for post-game commentary.
Now for those who don't normally watch sports, the post-game commentary is reserved for those 1 or 2 individuals who had a stellar night. The analyst finds the star of the night and asks them the basic "How does it feel....what was going through your head...how did you do...etc." This player of the game has earned his 30 seconds in the spotlight.
So Gibson is standing with the analyst and she asks him about the night. He opens his mouth to speak. When out of nowhere, this big ugly smelly fat rude inconsiderate jackass runs on the court, directly to the Gibson interview and says "Hi I'm Lebron James"
This jackass proceeds to spend the next 45 seconds boasting about himself and how great he is and how great he looks and how great his fart smells and how beautiful the carpet in his home is and, well, you get the point. Finally, he stops and says "Ok, well I'll let this guy have his moment in the spotlight "(the moment which has now passed because of Lebron's rant) "ill have my own moment on Sunday anyway." Is it really too hard for Lebron to not be in the spotlight? For one night? I mean damn, he wasn't even playing? He wasn't even in the damn game, what could he possibly have to say about his performance that when he didn't perform? What an ass!
Saturday Night - Skills Challenge, Three-Point Shootout, Slam Dunk Contest
I guess these mini-competitions are pretty fun and exciting to watch, but its just not enough. We get only two hours of this stuff, and we only see about 12 players compete overall. I say we expand the competitions...Why of course i have ideas! I thought you'd never ask....
1. Hot Dog Eating Contest - Sound simple enough, right? Well to add a twist, it should be made up of the league's leading hot dogs. Let the fans vote. This season the competitors include: "Lebron Lame, Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, and Josh Smith"
2. Wii Bowling - I wanna see the leagues big guys playing the Wii - Yao Ming, Shaquille O'Neal, Dwight Howard, Shawn Marion.
3. Coaches Crank Dat contest - Who can Superman dat ho? The all-star game should really include the coaches more in the festivities, and what better way than an old school dance off.
Phil Jackson, Byron Scott, Pat Riley, and Gregg Popovich
4. Arm Wrestling - Shag vs. Dwight Howard
5. WNBA Mud Wrestling - hahahahhahahahaha. (If women's basketball is a sport, then so is mud wrestling)
6. All-Star Boxing - Jermaine O'Neal vs. Carmelo Anthony
7. And1 vs. NBA game - Outdoor pick up game. Anything goes.
8. NBA Dunk Contest JACKASS STYLE - That's right. Let's have those guys from MTV's Jackass come in and do crazy stuff to the players as they try and dunk. Let Steve-O shoot paintballs at Gerald Green while he tries to dunk. Let Dwigh Howard dunk Wee-man into the hoop. Let Chris Pontius put on the tuxedo thong and bowtie and start humping Brandon Roy when he tries to dunk.
9. Bake-off - Lets have Mark Cuban representing management, David Stern representing administration, Tony Kornheiser representing the media, and Kevin Garnett representing the players. "Why will I ever need to know how to make Tiramisu?!?"
10. Mock Debate - Lets have a real debate about issues affecting America (Iraq War, Health Care, Economy, Education)
And the debaters are....
Yao Ming
Rasheed Wallace
Allen Iverson ("we're talkin about practice?")
Ron Artest
Well the rest of the weekend was a wash (Is that a generational term?) I dunno....Dwight was amazing and he wins the dunk contest in legendary fashion....Lebron Lame cheats Ray Allen out of the MVP in the game...but the best part about NBA All Star Weekend is that now my excitement for the NBA is renewed. more to come later....
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